My confession

It's been a long time coming. I think this confession is even more momentous that the "I'm gay" speech I never gave, and a lot more horrendous to some people. But, after examining my beliefs, looking at evidences, and listening to various points of view, I have come to a very distinct conclusion that has not made my mother happy, and has some people trying harder for my conversion, praying for me, and even wishing to burn me at the stake. No, it's not witchcraft even though that is reason enough to link me to Satan. It's not another religion either. I am.....an atheist.


Of course to those of you who know me well this is hardly a shock. It's an affirmation of beliefs you have known me to share for a while. My mother still insists deep down I believe. Maybe that is because of the programming I received from my grandparents, my highschool and even junior college. But it is also these elements that have helped me come to this conclusion. But don't blame them alone, they had help from the world around me, in helping me realize, the very idea of some all knowing, all powerful, all loving god, is just....well.....a fairytale.

And being gay has nothing to do with it, because there are plenty of gay Christians still suffering for their beliefs. I am not a Satanist, for there is no god, there can be no anti-god. People will tell me yes there is a god, and their proof is a 2000 year old book, that itself is full of contradictions and immorality and should never be used to prove there is a loving god anywhere. "The evidence is all around you" is such an old line. I do see evidence. Famine, drought, violence, and millions of prayers unanswered in the very lame conclusion that god works in mysterious ways.

I gave religion a try, several actually, but the more I tried, the more I realize they are based on a book from which they pick and choose the laws to follow, and because of many religions we have as much violence and prejudice in the world today. People blame atheists for evil, because we believe in no god at all. Do we need to believe in god to be good? We have inherent morality, and that is good enough for us. But, I will humor you anyway if you come to talk about god and the bible....what can I say, it is as entertaining as Harry Potter, without the magic wands.

The curse of the know it all

Some people know it all. They don't need help because they can do it all. Most of the time, they truly do suck at what they do, but think it is pure gold. I know that I know a lot, and most of what I do know, is from my own experience, and because I like to read. I am not afraid to live. There are some things I refuse to do because I have done it already and found it to be tedious, or boring, or just dangerous, such as riding a ferris wheel or eating wasabi. But there are those people who can do it all, and have done it all, so they know it all.

My job requires me to be many things, from a grunt down in the dirt digging, to hauling stones and walking through mud, and also as a spokesperson for the institute, to share ideas, to educate, to shine, and be part of a machine, where I am no greater than the other nuts and bolts. But some people seem to think, that being in the office and working on events and speaking to the public has no business in archaeology. But why bother with the archaeology bit if no one knows what or why we are doing it? We are not grave robbers anymore, and archaeology has become a business in Belize, and we are the face of that business, and the voice...some of us have nicer faces and voices....

So to you, big mouth, know it all, let us assure you, we are not scared of our job. Sometimes we cannot go places because there are things that need to get done ASAP in the office, things that you are too green to handle, or simply lack the people skills to comprehend. You do not work alone, you are not better than us, even if you think you are. We are equal, even if we do different things. Sometimes your ideas are not wanted, so best do us all a favor, keep your damn mouth shut.

Click if you love Jesus

Click to save your soul, click to show your love for Jesus and hate for Satan. Yes. I am sure all of you have seen that picture on Facebook demanding you click and share and like if you want to be saved from the warming features of fire and brimstone. So those of you who don’t click, guess I’ll see you in hell. I did not click, not because I don’t love Jesus, but because I don’t need to click to show it. God does not like a public show-off, remember?

So, I decided to become the anti-like person. I challenge people to find the ‘I love Satan’ button to click, and would you believe, there is none? So I posted a picture of the Last Supper, altered slightly…and people thought me evil, and “not nice” and even though I did not ask people to click like or dislike, I still got “major dislike” and “you should repent.” Is it my fault your faith is so shaky that seeing a picture you don’t like of Jesus makes you feel weak?

It’s funny how people get upset over me posting something unflattering of Jesus, all in the name of supposedly loving Satan. I am not a Satanist. But if I was I would love the option of being able to share that openly without being ridiculed. How can these ‘Christians’ get so pious when they also eat cows (a symbol for the Hindus, I think, of something holy) and even close their doors to missionaries of another doctrine who are simply spreading the word of the same man they call god?

So excuse me if you don’t like me posting pics on Facebook you don’t like. Too damn bad. As long as there are people ‘liking’ Jesus on Facebook and shoving their religion in our faces, get used to be doing the same to you, shoving my ideas in your face.

Yearning for the 'attainable'

I feel like running from my feelings. It’s something I do always. I avoid feeling, I run from emotions. It makes you weak. But I met someone I want to be weak for.  I would wait for him. I would wait, which is something I never do, but sometimes you meet someone that you know is the jackpot, the sure thing, everything in your blood and bones tells you so. Even in dreams that person can make you sigh and make your tremble. If you have never felt that, I can only pray that you will, it makes everything hard you have ever been through seem worth it, to have gotten you to this point, where life finally seems possible.

Does not seem like me does it? Normally I would rant on people being idiotic and idealistic, for falling into the traps of emotion and having no logic. I shunned such people and called them morons. Now I look at what I am doing through, and can see how strong emotions are and what they can do to you.

Normally the advice I give to my friends comes from experience, in being cold and practical. But now I would not even take my own advice, and live in regret. It will hurt when he leaves, something I have no choice in, but I would rather have those moments so at least I have the memory.

On crushes, love and other matters

Today dawned too early. I was not ready to get up. Having spent many hours playing Just Dance on Saturday nite into the wee hours of Sunday morning, my body aches. I am not one for dancing, never have been. But I wanted to loosen up, and make a certain someone very happy…and when you have a major crush on someone, you do what you do to impress them. I am not a dancer at all, and I was sure that was not gonna impress anyone, but just the attempt spoke volumes.

San Pedro is a cool place after all. I have some cool friends that live there, there are cool places to drink, and the wind seems to always blow. I did not go there to drink and enjoy the wind, of course. I went chasing a dream, one I hope shall still come true, even if it is wishful thinking.  Sometimes though, you gotta screw logic and have faith in fate, and just hope it turns out. At least you can always say ‘you tried’ which is better than doing nothing. If I could chase my musketeer around the world, I would.

Sometimes I detest the fact that humans were given free will, because we have to make tough choices and live with anxiety and consequences. We should have been like animals, and live by instinct only and just follow a simple chain of activities. But there are times, when I am glad I do have free will, for free will gives rise to the glory of emotions, and feelings, the best of them being love and desire for someone else, that though they consume your very thoughts and plague your mind every second awake, it’s a disease you readily welcome, for it’s a promise of perhaps a chance to be happy.

There are people out there that I have spoken to, who are scared to fall in love or even try, some who say they don’t believe in love and shall never fall in love. Heartbreak is too painful, people cheat, things happen. I have been through heartbreak. It truly does hurt. But there was a time when I felt nothing, for no one, including myself. And let me tell you, I would rather be wallowing in the pit of despair that comes from heartache, than be upon an island alone and feeling like a zombie. Feel love. Go for love. It can bring such joy. It can also bring pain. But the pain is worth it, when you feel that something in your stomach, your heart, your skin, that something that one person can bring to you.

TGIF?

Let me being this with a somber note. There a little premature baby somewhere fighting for its life. We can do plenty to save it, by licking 'like' on Facebook. The more likes we click, the more chance this baby has of surviving. Lets show our love. Lets show we care. Lets save little baby Joe or Jane.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Well folks it's Friday. Another day of people sharing bullshit on Facebook, people being too happy and cheerful at -8am on Twitter (yes that is a negative sign you see there to indicate exactly how ungodly an hour it was), and people getting ready to toss off the shackles of being drones and drinking enough honey for themselves to flatter their egos as queens.

The flu is kicked...gone to wherever flus go when the die, and I am looking forward to a nice weekend, heading out to San Pedro to see my musketeers. And as I pondered that happy note, my day was ruined by National Cleavage Day...not that I don't like cleavage, but some heathen just posted Kim Kardashian's cleavage, as if we don't see enough of her, and were trying to sweep her back under the rock that she hatched under. Well, such is the world it seems, so maybe it's best to allow it to suffer and burn for idolizing such empty headed ninnies.

With that in mind, I will go throw up now....just as I thought there was hope for civilization.....

The few things

Sometimes its all one can do to wake up in the morning. The day looms ahead with promise of the same dreary vision, just linger long enough to get through the day, get home, and back to bed. Some days are just uninspiring. So why even bother getting up? The coffee does not do it anymore, the reruns are the same even if I wish for different endings, the cats and birds make the same noises, the bus to work is the same. Then the miseries of the day before that have not fully healed come back to haunt a head already full of local demons. Is it any wonder I have not shot myself yet?

 Oh yeah....I don't have a gun....

So how does one move on then? There are somethings that do help to make the day worth it, to push on and fight for life and light even when the day seems evil (I like evil, but not when it happens to me). It starts for me on the bus ride to work. Now if you saw me on the bus, ever, you would call me cold, asshole, all manner of rude things. Even if I know you, even if we are best friends or lovers, I will not acknowledge you on the bus. Its not your fault, or mine. By the time I get on the bus I have headphones stuck in my ears with the day's musical selection, and my brain is far from Belize and lost in the beat and lyrics. Music....is my Jesus.

Then there are the people who make that day worth it. My mother is the first....making my lunch (making the whole house smell of bacon by the way) and feeding the cats and cursing at them, and bringing my coffee though I grumble like a hungry ogre...you think Shrek is bad? Then the folks at work, that enjoy my music, put up with my ranting and sarcasm, and the ones I text and chat to, all the down off the coast of Placencia, to the beaches of San Pedro, to the hustle and bustle of San Ignacio. They get me, like my musings, and appreciate my uniqueness.

And by uniqueness I don't mean a horn growing from my head (but how bloody awesome would that be). I am blunt, and sarcastic, and rude, and it takes a damn special kind of person to put up with that and to see beyond it all, I am really nice (groan) and sweet (double groan) and that the sarcasm is just to make people laugh, put them at ease, make their loads lighter. I am the burdern carrier, and will carry it for everyone if I could. And for those who wanna judge me as some real abrasive asshole and write me off as a jerk, as the Queen of Pop says in one of her new songs....I don't give a.....

You fill in the line.